AUGUSTA, Ga. — You’re probably here to read about a garden gnome, and I should probably be honest up front: This is not a story about a garden gnome.
Assuming the forthcoming AI cataclysm doesn’t reveal a lone blindspot in cute horticultural content, garden gnomes are unlikely ever to become a central focus of my writing interest … even if that gnome is the most sought-after merchandise item at the most sought-after golf tournament on earth, and even if my loved ones have spent the better part of the last several months begging me to purchase one.
This story is about a hilariously ill-advised search to find the single most exclusive piece of merchandise at Augusta National — a search that brought me to some places on property I never knew existed, and in pursuit of several more I’m still fairly sure don’t exist … but can’t totally rule out. And what it’s actually about, if I’m being honest, the kind of totally outrageous pursuits in commerce that indirectly make the Masters the most revered tournament in golf.
If you can’t beat ’em, spend with ’em. And, if you can’t do afford to do that, lurk around merchandise centers witnessing the spending like a total freak until you’ve effectively simulated the experience. You’ll learn something interesting, and maybe even discover some new merch along the way.
WHAT SHOPPING AT THE MASTERS IS REALLY LIKE
Chaos. Crowds. Noise. A relentless onslaught of customers and goods and purchases and sales. A large group of exhausted college-aged associates looking as if they’ve witnessed unspeakable acts of horror. A ruthlessly efficient machine turning visitors into customers.
WHY SHOPPING AT THE MASTERS IS A REALLY BIG DEAL
I mean, think about it: Every company has a logo, but only a few of those logos mean something, and even fewer mean something you’d willingly slap on your body and wear proudly as an advertisement. And of those few cool logos, just one of them can be purchased exclusively on-premises of the most elusive sporting event on earth.
I guess on the simplest level the Masters shopping experience matters because the logo confers a certain level of prestige. For those who’ve attended, the social capital is worth far more than the cost of merchandise; for those who haven’t, it might be worth even more than that (at least judging by the cost of aftermarket goods).
THE HORRIFYING TRUTH ABOUT MASTERS MERCHANDISE
If you’ve spent a lot of money in the main merchandise center at Augusta National this week (or know someone who has) and find yourself reflecting upon that effort with a sense of accomplishment for finally entering golf’s elusive club of insiders, turn away and stop reading.
The good news is that your gear is still valuable, the bad news is that, next to Augusta National’s many stratified collections of even-more-exclusive merchandise, it’s totally worthless.
In addition to the Masters yellow-logoed merchandise, there is also a separate merchandise collection only for patrons of the area called Berckman’s Place, a mythical hospitality facility hidden away in the trees near the 5th hole, and a member pro shop with a separate smattering of items bearing the club’s traditional green crest. There’s also the collection of normies who went to the Masters’ main merchandise shop and simply got luckier, emerging with one of the pieces of tournament merchandise that quickly flies off the shelves, like a Swiss watch bearing the Masters logo or, yes, one of the gnomes.
Among those in-the-know, regular Masters merch is cool, but it’s nowhere near as cool as exclusive Masters merch, which sells out immediately and confers even-greater-status. And it’s this kind of merchandise that sent me out onto the Par 3 Course on Wednesday afternoon in pursuit of the most exclusive Masters merchandise of all — a kind I wasn’t even sure existed.
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THE REAL POINT OF THIS STORY
I will admit that I departed for the Masters Par 3 Contest on Wednesday afternoon skeptical of my mission.
Through whispers, rumors, and an admittedly considerable amount of internet conjecture, I’d deduced that there may be a secret capsule of Masters merchandise bearing the logo of the annual Wednesday afternoon tradition. And through several journeys to the golf course’s gargantuan merchandise centers (plural) and several more conversations with tournament staffers, I’d deduced that if I could find the merchandise, it would be sold only at a shop located on the Par 3 Course, and only on Masters Wednesday.
And yet there was still a problem: I wasn’t sure it actually existed.
When I revealed to my editors that I would be spending part of the biggest week of our year in pursuit of Par 3 merch, one of them scoffed.
“There’s no way it exists,” he said. “If it did, we’d see the logo everywhere — and I’ve never seen it.”
He made a compelling point. I’d never seen the logo either. And I couldn’t definitively say it existed.
Maybe it was a waste of time to spend an afternoon in pursuit of something totally farcical … but it couldn’t be any more wasteful than writing the 58th Rory McIlroy press conference story of tournament week, so I grabbed my notebook and started walking.
OH NO
It was only a few minutes after arriving at the Par 3 Course that I realized the depth of my mistake, when I quickly hiked down to the only permanent structure within view and asked to purchase a piece of Par 3 Contest merchandise.
“Uhh, we don’t have that here,” the worker said.
Do you have it anywhere?
“Maybe at the main merchandise center?”
Where’s that?
“In the trees on the other side of the course.”
Did you say ‘in the trees?’
“Yessir.”
WHAT I FOUND IN THE TREES
The other permanent structure at the Masters’ Par 3 Contest is only a few hundred yards from the first one, but it’s hidden like a sniper in an Augusta green ghillie suit. In fact, even in pursuit of this building, I nearly missed it, thinking the restroom adjacent to it was the structure I’d been sent out to find.
When I finally reached the area in the trees, I stepped in line and spotted something that startled me: A menu sign bearing a Masters Par 3 Contest logo — the first time I’d seen the logo printed anywhere on property. I was on the brink!
I hustled to the register, where I inquired about the possibility of purchasing any Par 3 merchandise.
“I’m so sorry honey, but we’re sold out.”
Had there been any merchandise in the first place?
“Oh yeah,” the worker said. “We had a flag and a pin, but they sold out hours ago, maybe around 11. I guess it’s a collector’s item.”
Was there anywhere else on property I might be able to find it?
“In the main fan shop, maybe,” the worker said. “But — you know what? Don’t even bother, it probably sold out … basically immediately.”
Then another colleague interrupted her.
“There’s another shop out here, down on the left side of 1 I think, that might still have some stuff. I’d get there quick, though.”
GOLF | James Colgan
THE LEFT SIDE OF ONE
I made it to the left side of the 1st hole on the Par 3 Course pretty quickly after leaving the shop in the trees, but there was an obvious problem from the second I arrived: there wasn’t anything there.
I took a few additional loops around the fairway, but considering it was the fairway of a 140-yard hole, there weren’t many alternative options, just a large smattering of bushes that helped to separate the 1st hole from the 9th.
Sensing I might be reaching the end of my journey with few additional leads, I poked my head inside the bush, just to be sure there wasn’t an additional C.S. Lewis-inspired entrance in the branches.
There wasn’t. But there was a tournament official who seemed alarmed by the behavior of the strange young man showing an unusual interest in the short course’s shrubbery. The man approached me to ask what I was looking for, and I stammered out an answer about being in pursuit of a piece of Par 3 Merchandise, which I’d heard might be the most exclusive of any on the course.
I felt the embarrassment envelop me as the words left my mouth, realizing I sounded like every other card-swiper in pursuit of my very own slice of Masters exclusivity.
Thankfully, the official did not berate me. He laughed.
“Par 3 gear? Hell, you might be better off looking for a gnome.”
