Find an appropriate place for those ashes, pal.
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As a group, superintendents are easygoing. But they’re not immune to irritation. Leave a minefield of divots and ball marks in your wake without making the slightest effort to repair them, and you’re bound to irk your super.
And that’s not the half of it. Not even close.
Golfers have all kinds of habits and idiosyncrasies that drive superintendents batty. Are you guilty of them? In a quest to help you help your local greenskeeper — and to give them a chance to blow off steam — we carried out an anonymous survey, asking a handful of our Super Secrets contributors to identify their top pet peeves. Here are 12 of ’em.
1. Tee-box temper tantrums
They said it: Golfer misses a tee shot and then winds up and blasts the nearest tee marker in frustration, shattering it into a million pieces. Congratulations. At least you can hit something. Too bad those markers cost me $27 each.
6 divot-repair mistakes golfers make, according to a superintendent
2. Early-bird practice sessions
They said it: A golfer in an early group drops 17 balls in the middle of the fairway and whacks them all with an 8-iron, not bothering to fix his divots or ball marks. Hey, Bub, you want to practice? Buy a bucket at the range.
3. Off-season trespassers
They said it: The course is closed, but that doesn’t stop some guy — and it’s pretty much always a guy — from walking his dog on the back nine, with three clubs in one hand and his pocket filled with balls. “Oh, I’m just hitting a few shots in the rough.” Um, no you’re not. You’re getting in your car and leaving.
4. Litter bugs
They said it: Five empty beer cans on the tee box when the trash bin is literally five paces away.
Your empty cans belong in only one place: a trash bin.
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5. Lip disservice
They said it: The same golfer who can’t be bothered to bend over and repair a divot spends four minutes digging his ball out of the cup with the head of his putter, wrecking a freshly cut hole.
6. Reckless driving
They said it: Ropes and directional signs weren’t put there to be props in a demolition derby. But golfers still run over them. “Oh, sorry. I didn’t see the sign!” — as I pry the shrapnel out from under your cart.
7. Ash holes
They said it: Guy smoking a fat cigar digs his heels into the bunker, swings and blades one over the green, and then promptly drops his stogie in the sand and stamps it out. Last I checked, our bunkers are not your personal ashtray.
8. Taking excess relief
They said it: There are bathrooms in the clubhouse. There are bathrooms on the course. But for some reason, in your mind, the entire property is one giant outdoor WC.
There are bathrooms out there. Use ’em.
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9. Stage whispers
They said it: Golfer complains about conditions loudly enough for me to hear but without saying it to my face. Newsflash: You did not miss that putt because the greens are slow; you missed it because you are not very good.
10. Wannabe bosses of the moss
They said it: Golfers who insist on asking, “What are the greens rolling at today?” when they wouldn’t know a Stimpmeter from a parking meter.
11. Icy treatment
They said it: Golfer complains to me about the frost delay, as if it were my doing. “There wasn’t any frost at my house!” That’s because you have desert landscaping!
12. Putting the aggro in agronomy
They said it: Golfers mistreating maintenance crews by either hitting into them or making no effort to get out of their way. You want to play that way? Remember, I can control every sprinkler on the course from my radio or phone from anywhere in the world.
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